just a duck
I am increasingly interested in things that have clear boundary. Like “I am not this”, without needing to declare what they are.
“If you know, you know” – I am not interested in explaining or translating nor making you know what you don’t.
… and I hear fatigue in that line.
It is like spending most life trying to tell the oranges that you are a duck. Then one day, you realize you can simply spend energy to find the ducks instead. Not that oranges are bad. Just “what’s the point?”
Recently, I told a student about the price correction that would take place in the next pay cycle if he’d choose to continue. He cancelled the class immediately, dropping even the paid sessions.
I saw his relationship with the language shifting. He saw the inability to express fluently in a business group setting. He said they used complex and high-level vocabulary. But he didn’t see he could map the new words with their meaning areas without the use of dictionary. I saw “The core is getting solidified.” He said “The landscape is the same yesterday and today.” Different terrains.
The experience isn’t what hurts. The shift in the relationship is. The reduce of the shared understanding between us – is.
But honestly, I don’t think I fear of losing a long-term relationship. What I fear is something invisible but different in scale. Something… trajectory:
"Am I hallucinating myself?"
I don’t know if it is self-doubt. Or self-protective.
Whatever, Creep.