stress test
I feel like I stress-test the relationships around me.
Their principle is "I treat people the way I want to be treated", an implied expectation. No problem. But they impose their principle on me.
That is the problem.
...
I went for coffee with Nv, Sunday morning. It ended up with some tension. I have started to feel like the tension has become normalized in our interaction.
He's not bad. I don't resent his principles. But he expects me to behave certain ways, because he has.
"How are you going to keep harmony in the relationships surrounding you if you behave in convenience for yourself?"
"That's not a question for you."
In other words, that is not your business.
"You will not have anyone around you anymore. You will not have people who love you staying with you."
That also is not your business.
Every time I want to take a certain step, others keep pulling me back "Don't do that. You will end up with no one. Or nothing. Or both."
I used to fear. End up with no one. Or nothing.
But then I asked. "But was it my fear?"
"Was I really worried no one would be with me?" No.
"Was I anxious about ending up with nothing?" Technically not possible.
Their fear was imposed on me.
Every time I say no to someone, I feel a drop of stone off my shoulders.
Hang up a phone call with my mom mid-air.
Refuse to come visit her.
Reject Nv's ask to speak to a shipping guy.
Say "I don't know" to his constant gun-speed questions as if I am a f'king walking Google.
Say a simple "okay" without emojis, soften gestures, or explanation. I start to feel pressure to stay around people who are "caring". You are caring. Fine. But why do I feel the pressure to perform the same?
...
I am at the stage that I fear of losing myself, than anyone else.