third time
I remember sleepless nights I was kept awake on racing fear. "I would never get anywhere with what was going."
At that time, it seemed the biggest dream of mine was to get a job that paid well. As for that, I was desperate. Realized I was at the level where I must jump several pay steps to reach the comfort point.
Now I have started to encounter those sleepless nights.
For different fear.
No longer "How am I supposed to take care of my loved ones with this much I have at hand?" It is: "What if I would never find an entrance that lets me come back?"
"Calm down. There are several things I wish to do, before that comes. No?"
"Yes. But none of them seems to be clear."
"What clear is... what I can_not_ take, is it not?"
"Quite. And that is the scary part. Because most of them are the obvious ones."
"I seriously wonder... what is existing but I don't seem to see? What's existing but my perception doesn't let in?"
"You mean what alignment exists but we don't see.
But we haven't really done anything that came across the mind. Why?"
"Something feels blurry about all of them. I couldn't see how I would start one.
Maybe what we are truly scared of – not the un-convention. It is: "Are we hallucinating self?"\ Unconventional choices feel proud at times. No. We fear that we are steering onto a place that might put us to a different category: the insane."
"For that, I can't say there is no possibility. But does it also mean – asking to trust? Not trusting the whole thing we haven't seen. But trusting the self as we navigate one step at a time?"
"Sounds cliche."
"We have tried. Many things.
I wonder, what we haven't tried or what we should have tried differently, which one is the question."
"I know what you meant. You are feeling 'If I could only have one chance to shoot, where would I shoot?' But m telling you it might be too flat."
"We have slowly removed the figures that we once thought or wished they could help or guide us. Leaving us now without ourselves. M not sure what m feeling about this.
It feels more liberty. Also scarier.
Because no one else might be taking the blame if it falls. Just me."
"Understood. You have me.
Let's not steer into the path of what if fails. Not bcz its not possible. But bcz it would lead to something unproductive: endless possibility."
"Right. So, what are we feeling to do the most now?"
"Writing."
"..."
"'Don't be a wimp.'"
"Hey I realized we have failed twice already, at least since attempting to come out. Lol. And we haven't died. Hey who said we are still in the dark? We have already come out! Just still... failed. Lol. Both were the most easiest step to take. Fail doesn't mean wrong. Just not the right fit. No need to universalize.
What next steps we can take? Let's try them liberally. Not desperately. Liberally. If we don't we might regret one day that we never try."
Before even decide, tried the third time.
Hah!